Constant Vigilance, Ferretface!
by Maveriqua
Summary: Or, how Frank got his nickname. Moody goes to the 4077th and Frank gets on his nerves. Based off the episode 'Margaret's Engagement'. I do not own anything.


It all started when Frank annoyed the new defense manager.

Alastor Moody had come from headquarters to train everyone in the art of self-defense due to the number of attacks on M.A.S. . He was a very weird man, with lots of scars on his face, telling you he could hold his own in battle. Every week, at six o'clock sharp, everyone gathered in the mess tent to drill.

"You never know when an enemy soldier will sneak into the camp," Moody said, as part of his opening speech, "That is why you are being trained. That is why you must have CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" he yelled, making everyone jump about a foot in the air.

That was easy for him to say. He had a bright blue glass eye that always seemed to be looking at you. Radar even claimed that he had delivered mail while Moody was still asleep, but the glass eye was still open, staring at him. Luckily, Moody didn't get mail very often.

Frank hadn't minded much, until Moody increased the practice to twice a week. Apparently it was interrupting his flirt-time with Major Hoolihan.

"How am I supposed to win Margaret back if I can't win her over?" whined Frank the next day in Colonel Potter's office.

Colonel Potter took off his glasses and rubbed his temples in exasperation. "Burns, she's engaged. She won't stand for flirting, you've been trying for two months."

"But sir! All I need is a little more time-"

"Burns, if you want free time this bad, you have to prove that you're willing to work on this. You're one of the worst students, and Klinger's working in a corset!"

Frank made several small whimpering noises. "Fine!" he snapped, and stomped out.

As the Colonel watched Frank stomp out, he put his head in his hands and groaned.

"I may have just opened a can of worms."

"Left! Left! Left, right, left!"

Frank marched several men, women, and children into the compound. The Colonel saw this and did a double take. "Burns, what are you doing?" he asked.

"Halt!" yelled Frank. "I have several prisoners of war from the neighboring village, sir!"

"What is going on here?" someone behind the Colonel growled.

The Colonel jumped and turned around. Standing behind him were Alastor Moody, Hawkeye Pierce, and BJ Honeycut, though the last two were keeping their distance.

"I said, what is going on here?"

Frank looked a bit scared. "I have several prisoners of war and-"

He was silenced by a glare from Moody. Moody nodded to the 'prisoners'. "You can go now. I'll sort this young whippersnapper out."

Either they had heard about Moody and didn't want to see him in action, or they wanted to get away from Frank. Probably the second one, but in any case, they sped off like they had tigers chasing them. Frank tried to run too, but he tripped and fell in the mud. Moody reached inside his coat and pulled out what looked like a stick with very intricate carvings on it. He pointed it at Frank and suddenly, Frank wasn't there anymore. In his place was a small, white (yet covered in mud)-

Hawkeye made a sound like he was trying to hold back a laugh. "Is, is that a ferret?" he asked, putting his hand over his mouth.

But Moody wasn't finished. He raised the stick and Ferret-Frank floated in the air. Moody brought the stick down and Frank hit the ground. Up, down, up, down, up down.

"DON'T-EVER-DO-THAT-AGAIN!" roared Moody as Frank hit the ground each time.

"Alright Moody, that's enough," said Colonel Potter, who bent over, clutching a pole for support he was laughing so hard.

Moody gave Frank one last bounce for good measure and turned him back into a human. Frank slowly stood up. "I'll, I'll report you for this!" he said.

"I'd like to see you try," said Moody.

As Frank shakily walked away, Hawkeye and BJ tiptoed up behind him. Hawkeye held up three fingers. Then two. Then one. Both of them opened their mouths and yelled the same thing:

"Constant Vigilance, Ferretface!"

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Like? Hate? Please Review. All flames will be used to... well, I'll get back to you on that.


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